California

Raleigh and I decided to go on a fast. I think we were partly inspired by the Californian vibe and I also had a book that I had bought years ago filled with fasts for each season, and it seemed now was an opportunity to do one. Just water, mixed with lemon juice, cayenne pepper and maple syrup for the energy. You could drink as much as you wanted. A water fast, a spring fast, the master cleanse. I was trimming weed, so it was easy work, easy to work on nothing, so it seemed well timed.We started on a Thursday and the day before Raleigh cut out coffee, bread, most things other than fruit and vegetables. I didn’t, continuing to do things with a halfhearted measure, perhaps in order to protect myself from failure, as ‘I didn’t really try’. I ate all things I normally would. Brushing off Raleigh’s worry of preparing my body for what it was about to undergo. I was young, I was strong.We had met Anne and Francois at one of those outdoor events they have up there, some kind of fundraiser, but with great food and live music. I don’t know who had begun the conversation, in the whirl of beer and cigarettes, as the night had gone on into a swirl of people and dancing, she had approached us, I think, with her bright blue dress that matched her piercing eyes, and Francois, the Frenchman, had been there too, quietly he had asked to roll one or two of my cigarettes. And she was so warm, and knew Cassidy, and we were drunk, so we fell into each other, they were growers of course, and they would have work for us in a few weeks.  So we drove up to Anne and Francois’ for a session of trimming on the Friday. Their house was a mixture of additions and plans, wooden frame and with the ubiquitous Northern Californian shingles. They had built it room by room, and had lain in bed in the early days, with the wind whistling through the cracks in the walls, the bed piled high with quilts, drinking whiskey and reading books. It perched above their gardens, California valleys falling away to the horizon. They had a great long, hardwood table as they all did up there, and the vegetable garden was beautifully landscaped, the marijuana intermingling with the tomatoes. Anne offered the use of her washing machine and her shower. Before all the hot water was gone, I jumped in the shower to try to scrub off some of the lines of dirt, and then the laundry could go on. The work was set up outside. A long table piled high with stems. In the bright sunlight. I had taken to wearing gloves, to prevent any contact high, and just to save myself from the inevitable stickiness that came from handling marijuana buds for long periods of time.The laundry finished, I padded on bare feet through the airy house. I pulled the clothes out of the machine, and walked out the front door to where the line was strung between two trees overlooking the valley. I piled up the washing, the darker clothes on the dirt. The washing was bright and white, clean and wet, it flapped as I pegged it up, and the sun beat down on my head. The wind blew all the colours clear and cool. A simple job, such a pleasure it gave me. I felt the fast had heightened my senses. I couldn’t hear the others talking, just see the valley falling away, and hear the snapping of the clothes. I realised how good I felt. Such happiness I felt at such a simple job.Jacob came around the side of the house, still laughing, ‘Anne’s cooked some lunch, want any?...He swung his arms around my shoulders as I bent to pick up the last of the wet clothes, and his arms slid off. I said nothing, just pointed to my glass bottle half full with the maple syrup mixture.‘Oh, I forgot.’‘I’ll just finish hanging this out and then I’ll be there.’I had started to feel a certain lightness that morning, my stomach was flat, and I felt very in control of my body and myself. I felt focussed. Tighter. I felt released from the unnecessary. Emotionally and physically. This was only the second day but I remembered what it was like to be in control of one’s body. To hear one’s body. To listen. He was still loose out there. And I was not jealous. I did not want what he had. Unusual feeling for me. Focussed on what was important. Tight reins. But I was holding them. I enjoyed the feeling of control I had. Saying no was difficult to obtain, but once done, then all fell into place. They all drove back in the truck and I walked. I walked slowly the dusty road as it trailed through the dark redwoods, and then doubled back on itself along a ridge in the sun. My soul was light. As the road slipped down, back into the shade, a deer startled me. She was walking on the road towards me, a small one, I tried to stop breathing, and waited, my feet in the dirt in the sun, the deer in the quiet shade, she looked and looked, and I tried to hold her there with me on the dappled road. Her gentle eyes, and my human ones, and we wondered for, it seemed long, a long time, before finally I moved, and she bounded into the padded forest. I didn’t want to get back to the mess, the music, the noise. It was easy to walk what was left of the road, slowly, in my own life, to hold back the rest.